Babies At The Wedding

Dear Edith

There is only one baby in our family–she is on the grooms side. She is the daughter of my finace’s third cousin, but the families are close and do a lot of family activities together.

My parents are against having any babies at the wedding. My fiance feels the baby should be at everything. We compromised so that the baby will be with a babysitter during the ceremony, but will be able to attend the reception.

Should we include the baby’s name on the invitation (she’ll be 16 months old by the time of the wedding)?

Answer

Thank you for writing. I can’t think of anything worse than having a 16 month old baby at a formal reception. But that is not the question. It is really up to the PARENTS to decide if they wish to bring the child because it will be their resposibility to entertain and run after the baby. Whew!

You may either discuss it with them and tell them that if they care to bring the baby they may, or you could include the name on the envelope. Good luck!

-Edith

Can I bring a Guest to the Wedding?

Dear Edith

My sister’s son is getting married in December. I am divorced, with 3 children. I received the invitation for the wedding the other day, and was surprised the inside envelope was addressed to Ms. McKendree (not Aunt Sally) and each child was listed individually. The invitation did not read & guest(Aunt Sally & guest).

While I understand it would be inappropriate to take an uninvited guest, how do I know if the bride’s family made an error, or the omission was intentional? I hate to put my sister on the spot by asking, but was hoping to bring a guest.

Answer

My dear, if you are invited to your nephew’s wedding and bringing your 3 children, you ought not to feel hurt because you have not been invited to bring a guest since you are not going alone! People prefer having friends and relatives that they know at weddings, and not strangers. Go to the wedding, have a good time and meet new people! Also please overlook the name on the inside envelope. I hope this helps.

-Edith

RESPONSE

Dear Edith

Yes, and knowing that I will be traveling 6 hours to get there and spending 2 nights in a hotel, and spending a significant amount of money – I felt the least they could do was allow me to bring a guest.

My ex husband recently moved from Michigan to Arizona. My family is not able to help with the additional/sole responsibilities of raising my 3 sons. And yes, I will be attending with my CHILDREN, it is also wonderful to have adult companionship.

Your answer, while if I were a friend of either family would be a sufficient answer, I felt their handling of the issue was insensitive and quite frankly – tacky.

REPLY

Sorry, my dear, but I don’t agree with you! You will have plenty of adult companionship when you get to the wedding if you are friendly instead of having a chip on your shoulder!

-Edith

Invitations: Co-Workers at the Wedding

Dear Edith

I am in a management position and only want to invite a few of my close associates at work. What is the protocol? Thanks.

Answer

As a general rule, we suggest that only co-workers with whom you socialize on weekends be included on your invitation list. I hope this helps.

-Edith

Family Feuding at the Wedding

Dear Edith

Ok, here’s the situation. My mother and father are divorced, my dad is remarried, my parents are civil to each other, and while my stepmom tries to be civil, she says things that are upsetting to mom.

My fiance’s parents are together, but his siblings hate their father, and my fiance and his brother barely speak. My parents don’t like his father either. I love them all (well I tolerate his dad). How can we fit these people into a seating arrangement without offending family members or causing world war III?

Answer

You need to tell everyone firmly that you expect them to be courteous to each other, and help to make your wedding day special for your sake! You can seat your mother in the first aisle at church, and your father and his wife in either the second or third aisle. The groom’s family of course is seated on the right side of the church, and if you wish, they can also be seated in separate aisles. This is worked out at the rehearsal. At the reception, I suggest having separate “reserved” tables for each set of parents and have placecards for them to be seated with friends or relatives that they all get along with. I hope this helps!

-Edith

Not Inviting Co-Workers to the Wedding

Dear Edith

I’m working on a small budget and need to keep my wedding guest list to family and close friends. I wanted to throw an engagement party at my home, and invite everyone but was told the guest list should only be those who will be invited to the wedding.

For co-workers and others that won’t be invited to the wedding, how can I have them share in the celebration without hurting their feelings?

Answer

Sorry my dear, you won’t hurt their feelings when you tell people you are having a small private wedding with family and a few close friends! You ought not to throw an engagement party for yourself. I hope this helps.

-Edith

Second Wedding in Mexico

Dear Edith

First, thank you for your time! I am getting married next year in my fiance’s hometown in Mexico. My family is from Oklahoma. We will be having the wedding there because I was married previously and feel it is more important for him to be home, being this is his first marriage. I got married a few years ago, but it only lasted six months. My parents hosted a huge wedding for me that had a price tag very close to six digits. Hundreds of guests came.

The reason why I’m including this is because my first wedding was so large, and I received such expensive gifts, I feel terrible inviting those same people again. I don’t know if I should send invitations to people I know will not attend a ceremony so far away, or if I should send announcements instead (or anything at all).

Obviously, my immediate family will attend, but I assume my extended family would not. I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I also don’t want to make anyone feel guilty if they don’t travel 3,000 miles to my second wedding. Most certainly, I don’t want to send announcements and have the same former guests sending me any more gifts. Any advice you have on this situation is greatly appreciated!

Answer

From what you tell me, I would send announcements because these DO NOT require a gift, and I am sure these friends would like to know that you have found happiness! Announcements can be mailed for you in the US. (quicker mail) on the day after you are married. I hope this helps.

-Edith

Small Wedding Ceremony – Large Reception

Dear Edith

We are having a very relaxed wedding, with the ceremony early in the day and the reception later in the day. The ceremony is going to be just immediate family, and 2 people each for myself and my fiance. My cousin is my best friend, is it bad to ask her to be at the ceremony and ask her family( my aunt/uncle) to just be at the wedding?

Answer

Yours is a tricky question. I have no way of predicting how your aunt and uncle will react. Could you extend feelers through your cousin and ask her very sweetly if her parents would like to be invited to the ceremony, or will they be happy to just attend the reception? It’s considerate of you to be concerned. I hope this helps.

-Edith

Small Wedding – Large Family

Dear Edith

Is there a proper, non-offensive way to deal with a large extended family who will expect to be invited? It is my second wedding and I would like it to be small and intimate (50-60 rather than 150) but would like to end up having a few special relatives there as well as a number of our mutual friends. There are about 25 aunts and uncles, and 80 cousins, many of whom now have children).

I don’t want to offend my parents, but it’s not the type of crowd and environment we want. We are also paying. The question is how, technically, do we go about it with proper etiquette… just sending announcements? Inviting everyone but “putting the word out?” Inviting no one? I should mention that everyone would have to travel here. I’m just at a loss. My parents’ official line is “no pressure. You guys do what you want.” But I know they want me to do what’s “right”. Is there a way I can do that? I would really appreciate any advice. Thank you.

Answer

There really is no problem, especially since this is your second wedding!

Keep it small as you planned and merely say, if asked, “Oh we are having a small private wedding with only close family and a few friends.” No other explanation is necessary. I hope this helps. You may send announcements if you wish to the extended family.

-Edith

Spouse Not Invited to Wedding

Dear Edith

My husband is the best man in his friends wedding, very long story short – the bride and I do not get along at all, reason being she stalked my husband at one point, it was very ugly.

. My question is, do I have the right to ask my husband not to go to the wedding because I am not invited?

Please help, I am so torn on what to do. I am hurt that he is going I can’t help that, but I have not expressed to him my desire that he not go, trying to be the nice guy. I don’t know that I can deal with him choosing to stand next to his friend, hating the woman he is about to marry, while I am excluded and not invited to their wedding.

Answer

Well I can’t think of anything more rude! Under these circumstances I am sorry to say that your husband should decline to go or to be part of the wedding! He should not be a wimp, which is what the groom certainly is. However, he should just decline graciously and both of you should not discuss the matter any more. Take the high road!

-Edith

Too Many Guests to Invite

Dear Edith

Maybe you can help me? I am having a serious problem with my fiances’ parents! They feel as though my mother and I have no Etiquette. This is the situation:

We have invited 275 to the wedding, but the reception facility will only hold 150. Therefore, we can not invite everyone. How do I let them know they are not invited to the reception, without hurting anyones feeling. I don’t know how to handle this.

She isn’t even paying for the wedding, but is causing me to not even want to be there and I’m the bride. She first said that she didn’t have that many family members who would be attending. Now after my fiance and I have already booked and put a deposit down, she wants to invite all of these people. What should I do?

She feels like my mother and I are trying to pull a fast one on them, because I have invited 100 people (all family) my mother has 12 brothers and sister. They only have around 30 family members. Once family members were invited then my fiance and I would split the rest for friends, which wouldn’t be much.

This has all gotten way out of hand and now I don’t even want to go through with this. Can you give me some advice?

Answer

In my book, I recommend that the guest list be discussed carefully with both sets of parents. Since your mother has 12 brothers and sisters, it seems only natural that there would be more guests from this side of the family.

As a general rule, I recommend that the guest list be divided into thirds, 1/3 bride’s family, 1/3 groom’s family, and 1/3 friends of the bride and groom. After you list your family and your friends, tell the groom’s parents with a big smile on your face that they are free to invite X number of guests. Or let your fiance tell them for you. I honestly think my book would be a big help to you.!

-Edith

Unwanted Wedding Guests

Dear Edith

HELP! I strongly dislike my maid of honor’s steady boyfriend. I do not want him at my wedding. Is it rude of me to ask her not to bring him, or should I just bite the bullet and let her bring him?

Answer

Excuse me my dear, but didn’t you think of this when you asked her to be your maid of honor? You don’t need to invite him to the rehearsal dinner, if you have one, but it may be awkward not to invite him to the wedding. I hope this helps.

-Edith

Wedding Guests: Divorced Parents

Dear Edith

My parents are divorced and can’t stand to be in the same room with each other. To make it worse, both of them now have significant others, and my fathers’ girlfriend is who he left my mother for. How can I make sure my Wedding doesn’t turn into a boxing match, and should I invite their significant others? Thanks so much for you help.

Answer

There are two things you can do. Speak to your parents and tell them you expect them to behave civilly and help make your wedding day a happy occasion for everyone, especially you! You can ask your minister to step in and speak to your parents as well. Many ministers are trained to do this service. Personally I feel that if one parent brings his or her significant other, then both parents ought to be able to do so. On the other hand, the significant other, under the circumstances you describe, might wisely deline the invitation. I hope this helps!

-Edith

Wedding Guests: Who Should We Invite?

Dear Edith

My son is getting married in March. What I need to know is should I send an invitation to my son-in-law’s family? I have limited guest, so I need to know asap. Thanks.

Answer

I don’t know your relationship with your son-in-law’s family. Do they live in Washington DC? Do you see each other during the year? at holidays? It seems to me they should be included. I hope this helps.

-Edith